Updated: Jul 13, 2021
My ancestors called upon me to go look at my past. Confusing, yet I did it. So this goes as the thoughts process. The memories I truly long to forget. From 7 years old to 21 years old, I hated every ounce of life, until I learned I was expecting a son. I finally had something to feel like I had a true purpose here. So many times I was at home by self growing up thinking how to take myself out of this world. Never spoke on that part of me until now. Depression started so young for me, anxiety soon followed afterward. I was different. Things happened to me that I didn’t understand and when it finally stopped, I reacted out of a pain I never thought I could explain. It took so much of me, my mistakes were the reaction of pain, hurt, and confusion of someone was supposed to be another protector for me. I’ve tried making countless videos wanting to express what I’m healing from and how I could finally get to this point here! But sitting down and typing is always my key to releasing my feelings correctly. Just looking at my eyes from pictures from 7 years old, middle school, high school, and college days, they are so dark, so lost, so hurt, and hidden by hurt smiles in every photo or video. To now, seeing the happiness & peace that I finally feel. Inhaling and exhaling as I continue to type, with some tears hoping someone reads this and knows they aren’t alone. That it takes some time, and it does haunts you until you can admit it happened as it ruined you for years, doing things that should of never happened. The thoughts of it has lingered in the back of my mind so much lately with that person being free, being back around, thinking I forgot the pain they caused me for so many years. Knowing he saw my son while i was working gave me so much anxiety. It felt like I was beginning to explode, so I went to therapy, a new therapist at that. I had to be truthful this time, fully. I had to stop putting the blame on me, I had to and have to protect my son knowing how sick this world and those who are supposed to love us are. It happened to me, being touched by someone who was related to me. From 7 to 9 years old, because all my issues that those that I had started in 3rd grade. I felt crazy, I had issues as they would say, I wasn’t happy, and it all showed. They wanted to get me help, but i denied it thinking in the back of my head, it’s not me, it’s him. Why can’t you see? I talked to boys thinking that was what supposed to happen, not knowing what happened to me wasn’t okay. I remember being in the worst trouble ever and being asked why I thought that was ok? I thought then I had the courage to say it, so I did. But it was unheard. But now? I’m letting myself speak. And my voice will help those who have or maybe who still are, dealing with the sexual trauma of someone related to us.. we will heal and the truth will set us all free.. To the 18 year old Miya, you tried to get it done, you tried but got so caught up thinking you needed a soul to merge with yours, but you did not. At 25 you have become a mom, a business owner, you have told a part of your story that has harmed you for so damn long. You‘re healing, you are healed, and you are becoming the healer. The truth will always set you free. And you have already become an advocate to those who have confided in you about the same things.
You are doing great Queen.
Keep glowing. Keep being your unique self.. <3 From: The 25 year old Miya.